You are responsible, but you are not to blame

ewelinacollins
Sep 16
3 min read

There’s a quiet but powerful line in A Course in Miracles that reads:

"You are responsible, but you are not to blame."

At first glance, it may seem contradictory — how can you hold responsibility without carrying blame? But for parents walking the path of conscious living and healing, this teaching becomes a lifeline.

It reminds us that we can own our part in the story without punishing ourselves for the pages we didn’t write.

The Spiritual Reframe

Spiritually, this phrase is an invitation.It asks you to wake up, not to shame yourself — but to return to love.

In the spiritual sense, responsibility is empowerment. It means you have the ability to choose how you respond, how you see your child, and how you carry your past. It means you have the freedom to shift your perception — from fear to love, from reaction to awareness.

Blame, on the other hand, is the voice of the ego.It whispers shame. It clings to guilt. It keeps us stuck in cycles of punishment, thinking that if we just suffer enough for our past, we’ll somehow become better.

But the truth is: you don’t become a more conscious parent by hating the parent you once were.

You become one by forgiving them — and growing from there.

The Psychology of Compassion

From a psychological perspective, this phrase mirrors what trauma-informed parenting teaches us:

Much of how we behave — especially under stress — is shaped by early experiences, nervous system patterns, and survival strategies we didn’t consciously choose.

So yes, you may have yelled. You may have repeated something that was once done to you. You may carry guilt for not being as patient, calm, or present as you hoped.

But you’re not to blame for the fact that you were doing your best with the tools you had at the time.

The power is in this: once you become aware, you are responsible for what you do next. That’s not shame — that’s sovereignty.

The Everyday Application

In day-to-day life, this truth becomes incredibly practical.It gives you permission to say:

“I messed up, and I can repair it.”
“I wasn’t aware before, but I am now.”
“I don’t have to carry guilt to become better. I can choose love instead.”

This phrase lets you hold both truth and tenderness. It allows you to acknowledge your mistakes without collapsing under them. It invites you to take ownership without self-hatred.

And perhaps most beautifully, it models something profound for your child: that growth is possible. That love and repair are always available. That they too can be responsible — without fearing blame.

A Reflection for the Parenting Journey

If you are on the path of conscious parenting, you already know how much it asks of you. It asks you to look inward. To unlearn. To sit with discomfort. To say, “this cycle ends with me.”

And in that process, guilt often tries to hitch a ride.

But hear this clearly:

You are not the sum of your past reactions. You are the space where awareness begins. You are the parent your child needs now — not the one you used to be.

You are responsible for how you choose to show up today. But you are not to blame for the patterns you inherited, the wounds you didn’t ask for, or the moments you coped the only way you knew how.